the well

 I wrote these words some time ago as I reflected on the question ” for what purpose do I blog”.  I was wanting to rekindle this place of expression and found myself connecting this story.  
Once upon a time a windswept and painterly girl fell into a great hole of solitary sadness and weeping. Though many tried loyally to throw her a rope her suddenly clumsy hands could not hold the fibre for long enough to climb. It seemed slippery as a silken strand of silver lining. She tried to weave herself a shawl to fly on, a basket to sail away in, a raft of stitches and baked up a magical cake. But alas, she was doomed to stay in the midnight shadow for many days and many nights with broken body and bound heart.

Some nights the stars seemed closer and she could almost see the moon. Some days the sun did seem to rise just for her once more. Those days she captured what she could of life’s gifts and in golden ink scribed them into her magical tome with ink illustrations, and these pages and pictures became a scaffold of good memories to rise her up. A sturdy reminder that her life had beauty and light and gifts and company, a place to reach out shyly to the world with her gifts of word, colour and pictures.
The hole she was in, seemed to floor itself up under her and rose her until she could once more see the ground beneath her souls. One plank at a time a new frame is made. Sometimes she sits on the edge of the well of dark sorrow and sometimes she floats amongst it’s thick insidious air, and when she finally returns she will gasp for air and lay upon the blossom strewn grass giving thanks that these days pass.

 Roselinde 

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Waking up to…

I wrote this in early June and here it is belatedly…

Waking up to
A fresh dawn and
Jesse heading down to the headland to play Didge with the sunrise.
Feeling great joy when witnessing my partner do the things that bring him joy!
Feeling rested and relaxed after a quiet sleep which followed a challenging eve.

this is the gorgeous coast of Agnes Water

Cedar had a crying night last night, which translates to almost two hours of wailing and resisting sleep in the evening.
They come more rarely now, but this used to be a daily/nightly happening.
He could also wake up to twelve times a night !
The beginning of this year was a huge shift with Cedar receiving some
body talk sessions and beginning a course of homeopahics.
To compare, the night before last he happily laid in his little bed and murmured himself to sleep!!! Amazing for us!


I celebrate these nights of ease
and struggle with getting attached to how it can be when it’s not how I want it to be.. Sound familiar… Or muddled?
Then becoming frustrated and confused when it’s not like that all the time. Ah yes little grasshopper I still have a lot to learn!
And a lot of physical recovery still to go.
It’s not fun seeing myself becoming mundane and attempting to control my universe, or shutting down and becoming pessimistic and grim.
There is a deep exhaustion which wells up, I recognize the expression in my facial muscles! So does my family…
Therein comes the reminder that at least now I am seeing it and can work with those habits.
Sleep deprivation is a proven form of torture. There are many distressing and debilitating effects. A study was done on mothers with post natal depression where it revealed after a series of nights full sleep many of their symptoms where relieved. ( sorry can’t remember which study, or if it was three nights?)
( one symptom of sleep dep is memory loss!!)
This piece really struck a chord with me as I experienced terribly bleak times in Cedars infancy. ( and still occasionally revisit)
At the trough of it all I would wake up and think things like ” oh morning, nooo. This is horrible. I’m a terrible mother for hating my baby. My poor daughter who needs me too. No Not yet. I can’t face the day again…..” insert some bad language….
” I’m so tired I’d rather die. Just let me vanish from this reality. ”
Loving this tiny beautiful baby, but wishing he would simply disappear.
Depression was a terribly sad, angry , lonely and totally weird space for me to experience for such an extended period. I had no idea how consuming and distorting my head space could be! Or how miserable I could feel week after week.

Thinking that my life has so many blessings yet why do I feel so sad, anxious, miserable, negative, angry etc
What is wrong with me. Why am I so unhappy?
Some 16 percent of new mothers in Australia experience post natal depression, and there must be many more who don’t manage to get help and enter the statistic.
There are some great sites and resources if you or someone you know are struggling with your mind state or health.
24 hour call service PANDA
Beyond baby blues
Are two examples.
When I finally got it together to get help and she made a diagnosis of pnd, adrenal fatigue and hormone imbalances I felt oddly relieved. Kind of like when I confirmed my pregnancy. Scared and relieved and no more private worrying but the open acknowledgement that something is going on and I’m no longer wondering.
I could now move into the journey ahead.

we have often, (and still do at times) used the ergo and a walk as a sleep method

 

I am convinced now sleep is one key In mothering or fathering
It is so important to sleep, this time of physical recovery and respite.
Could you tag team with another adult?Forget the housework for today, you’ve got years of it ahead of you.
Can you afford to get help for a couple Hours each week?
Please nap frequently, think of cultures with siesta traditions! Oh why weren’t we colonized by a Mediterranean siesta culture?
I’m not suggesting it’s only nourishing sleep we need to be well, though we all know how sleep helps us, in my case it was adrenal fatigue and hormonal imbalances, stagnation and the usual human array of neuroses I need to work with!

What do you do to support your parenting journey?
How do you get the rest you need in life?
How can we support each other in the early years of children?
What would or would have helped you?
What did help you?
Who can you ask for help?
How can we openly share the trialling bits of parenting so we don’t isolate each other?

If you are feeling low and wondering what is “wrong” with yourself I encourage you to visit a health carer and start the path to wellness.
We can all experience wellness and balance in mind body and spirit
And I fully in courage you to take a step on your journey:)
Whatever your circumstance
Is there one thing you can do today which is loving to yourself?
maybe it’s as simple as drinking a cup of lemon water in the morning, walking around the block, booking in to a naturopath, having a green smoothie, simply sitting and having awareness in your breath, giving yourself the acknowledgement that you are doing a great and difficult task of parenting, a moment of kindness to yourself, seek a hug with a willing supplicant:)

I went for a stroll alone by the shore with my camera for my moment of self connection and amusement, I was soon joined by family but felt mildly refreshed.
With love and wellness
Roselinde

ps thankyou to everyone of you who have supported us in our journey of parenting and family life

and my hat is off in acknowledgement to each of you who has parented, is parenting or is thinking about it!