And then Cedar was two!

good morning my beautiful son

Lily crowns you and bethrones you in bed and brings you your few gifts to help you open…

you are quietly pleased

breakfast is simply porridge but accompanied by some new play things. thankyou family, well chosen compact quality toys…

Lily adores you and invents funny games to make us all laugh

later in the day after the markets, we drive to a beautiful creek and meet friends

it is oh so peaceful by the fire and the water

you are contented to play on your own and I watch you in your own amusement and watch your big eight year old sister teach our friend to knitwe eat simply but happilythe nature at the beautiful Shannonvale creek has me breathless

reflections on cool water like an impressionist painting

an endless meditation to watch the rippling mirror

before bed we light your candles and sing our birthday medley of songs

you look so pleased in a happy quiet way

you have had your first haircut ever today!

you look different my son

your face makes new expressions

my how you have grown little one

you love the moment, as we all do, gathered around you singing in the candlelight

Lily helps you blow them out as you cannot yet

you love it so much we have to do it again, and again

we all love it and you too
we have our yummy birthday celebration the next day in the park at Port Douglas

As its your birthday Cedar i let you eat the pancakes straight from the pan

you go so fast i have to get a second pan out so I can make a stack for us to share!

finally you are full and we have a feast prepared

this is black sapote (chocolate fruit) mixed with fresh grated coconut and fresh squeezed coconut cream YUM!mmm you are a watchful child… i read so much in your facewe sing and celebrate you Cedarand a second later…look at this boy! mmm the creativity of toppings is endless…oh yes we love our pancakes instead of cakes for birthdays!!

thankyou beautiful Cedar for gracing my life with your calm souland unmatched pancake appetite!!

may we share many more…

Waking up to…

I wrote this in early June and here it is belatedly…

Waking up to
A fresh dawn and
Jesse heading down to the headland to play Didge with the sunrise.
Feeling great joy when witnessing my partner do the things that bring him joy!
Feeling rested and relaxed after a quiet sleep which followed a challenging eve.

this is the gorgeous coast of Agnes Water

Cedar had a crying night last night, which translates to almost two hours of wailing and resisting sleep in the evening.
They come more rarely now, but this used to be a daily/nightly happening.
He could also wake up to twelve times a night !
The beginning of this year was a huge shift with Cedar receiving some
body talk sessions and beginning a course of homeopahics.
To compare, the night before last he happily laid in his little bed and murmured himself to sleep!!! Amazing for us!

I celebrate these nights of ease
and struggle with getting attached to how it can be when it’s not how I want it to be.. Sound familiar… Or muddled?
Then becoming frustrated and confused when it’s not like that all the time. Ah yes little grasshopper I still have a lot to learn!
And a lot of physical recovery still to go.
It’s not fun seeing myself becoming mundane and attempting to control my universe, or shutting down and becoming pessimistic and grim.
There is a deep exhaustion which wells up, I recognize the expression in my facial muscles! So does my family…
Therein comes the reminder that at least now I am seeing it and can work with those habits.
Sleep deprivation is a proven form of torture. There are many distressing and debilitating effects. A study was done on mothers with post natal depression where it revealed after a series of nights full sleep many of their symptoms where relieved. ( sorry can’t remember which study, or if it was three nights?)
( one symptom of sleep dep is memory loss!!)
This piece really struck a chord with me as I experienced terribly bleak times in Cedars infancy. ( and still occasionally revisit)
At the trough of it all I would wake up and think things like ” oh morning, nooo. This is horrible. I’m a terrible mother for hating my baby. My poor daughter who needs me too. No Not yet. I can’t face the day again…..” insert some bad language….
” I’m so tired I’d rather die. Just let me vanish from this reality. ”
Loving this tiny beautiful baby, but wishing he would simply disappear.
Depression was a terribly sad, angry , lonely and totally weird space for me to experience for such an extended period. I had no idea how consuming and distorting my head space could be! Or how miserable I could feel week after week.

Thinking that my life has so many blessings yet why do I feel so sad, anxious, miserable, negative, angry etc
What is wrong with me. Why am I so unhappy?
Some 16 percent of new mothers in Australia experience post natal depression, and there must be many more who don’t manage to get help and enter the statistic.
There are some great sites and resources if you or someone you know are struggling with your mind state or health.
24 hour call service PANDA
Beyond baby blues
Are two examples.
When I finally got it together to get help and she made a diagnosis of pnd, adrenal fatigue and hormone imbalances I felt oddly relieved. Kind of like when I confirmed my pregnancy. Scared and relieved and no more private worrying but the open acknowledgement that something is going on and I’m no longer wondering.
I could now move into the journey ahead.

we have often, (and still do at times) used the ergo and a walk as a sleep method


I am convinced now sleep is one key In mothering or fathering
It is so important to sleep, this time of physical recovery and respite.
Could you tag team with another adult?Forget the housework for today, you’ve got years of it ahead of you.
Can you afford to get help for a couple Hours each week?
Please nap frequently, think of cultures with siesta traditions! Oh why weren’t we colonized by a Mediterranean siesta culture?
I’m not suggesting it’s only nourishing sleep we need to be well, though we all know how sleep helps us, in my case it was adrenal fatigue and hormonal imbalances, stagnation and the usual human array of neuroses I need to work with!

What do you do to support your parenting journey?
How do you get the rest you need in life?
How can we support each other in the early years of children?
What would or would have helped you?
What did help you?
Who can you ask for help?
How can we openly share the trialling bits of parenting so we don’t isolate each other?

If you are feeling low and wondering what is “wrong” with yourself I encourage you to visit a health carer and start the path to wellness.
We can all experience wellness and balance in mind body and spirit
And I fully in courage you to take a step on your journey:)
Whatever your circumstance
Is there one thing you can do today which is loving to yourself?
maybe it’s as simple as drinking a cup of lemon water in the morning, walking around the block, booking in to a naturopath, having a green smoothie, simply sitting and having awareness in your breath, giving yourself the acknowledgement that you are doing a great and difficult task of parenting, a moment of kindness to yourself, seek a hug with a willing supplicant:)

I went for a stroll alone by the shore with my camera for my moment of self connection and amusement, I was soon joined by family but felt mildly refreshed.
With love and wellness

ps thankyou to everyone of you who have supported us in our journey of parenting and family life

and my hat is off in acknowledgement to each of you who has parented, is parenting or is thinking about it!








The long dark night…

New Moon in the Western sky at sunset Kuranda

In the hushed glow of new moon

an invitation to join the Candlenut Steiner community

with Winter Solstice forces gathered round

Lily and the beautiful handmade lantern lent to her

a parade of glowing gold and soft singing through the grounds

to the green, adorned with leaved spiral and central alter

children in a ring of gold

families in quiet witness

each class had different handmade lanterns and encircled the green

lights doused and deep invocations spoken

the single glow in the centre

our reminder of inner light

soft spiralling of glowing children

inwards to the light and kindle ones own flame

a quiet delight and gratitude welling in my soul

to witness and enjoin in ceremony

bathe in the singing night

my children close by

joy to ground here

feel and hear and sense the vibrancy around me

a deep breath

our first stop after the roadtrip

a blessing to help the intergration

my inner wobbly and wonky

i emerged into peace

blanketed by night and kissed by stars and candlelight

the magic of night

the beauty of that which is bright

may i remember in the long dark nights of my life

the shiningness




one kind word

one kind deed

the moments we can create and say yes to

the moments we can hold our children in

then encourage them to fly into the experience of life

to feel their own centre

and find their own connections

to feel their own solitude in the journey

and know their connection to all

as a birth right

may peace and insight be with you

and me

as we turn once more to the sun


with enormous gratitude to the Candlenut community for including us in your very special celebration

in the midst of it all…

with three days until departure

I found a moment of stillness

with a bowl of Davidsonia Jerseyana

gathered from our garden and kind neighbours

“let’s make some jam mama”

I was in, I love to make things, I enjoy tasty treats


Davidson Plums are remarkably tart and beautifully blue purple

they polish up  like apples

they are sour little treasures which drop from high umbrella like trees

so, with a hundred million other  things to do

i thought a batch of sweetness from home to take with us

would be simple

surely i just slice plums and simmer them with some sugar…

it wasn’t simple

it wasn’t quick

it was messy and sticky and I was quickly left alone with the task

and then i remembered i needed sterile jars

and then luckily my mama called me up

and  reassured me my watery plum soup will thicken eventually if i just boil and boil…

oh hilarious, spontaneous and eventually rather soothing

as it brought me into the moment 


it had me standing still, alert to what was in front of me, in my body

tasting and stirring and breathing

away from the skitter skattery chaos of condensing our lives to fit

into a 7×2 metre home on wheels

my three tiny jars of treasure are delicious and jammy

and remind me to take a breath amidst it all.

what has brought you into the moment recently?